Well, I didn't think I was going to get on this morning and write before I set out, but it just felt like the right thing to do when I woke up this morning. But, I'm still gonna make this short.
As I look around my packed up and empty room, I can hardly believe that it's over. There were definitely days when it felt like this program was taking forever and that I would never get to see my family again. But there were also days and times that I wished would last forever. Like last night, with my roommates, Natalie and Kylie. We had a slumber party in the living room for my last night. Is it too much to ask to pack them up too and take them with me?
I literally hated my job here. It was really frustrating to me, throughout my whole program that I had to work in Food and Beverage at the Sports Complex. It was like, out of all the hundreds of jobs I could have had, this was the one that was least like my personality. And along with that, I realized that I don't really like working for large corporations. I'd rather work for a small business where I can feel like my contributions are valuable. That being said, I'm still glad that I came, and I'm even glad that I worked at the Sports Complex. I wouldn't have met the people I did if I hadn't.
I also realized even more so what a great treasure my family is. I've seen a lot of families here and met a lot of people and heard a bit about their families. My family really is unique, and I would do anything to be with them forever. It has also increased my desire for my own family. I just wanna have little girls and dress them up like princesses and the boys like pirates! Oh, it will be so much fun. Someday.
Through all the struggles and the ups and downs, I really am glad that I came here. I'm so glad that Heavenly Father gave me this opportunity to see life a little differently than I've seen it before. It's been an amazing ride.
You're welcome, Mickey. Thanks for letting me help make the magic.
See ya real soon.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Looks Like We Made It, Look How Far We've Come My Baby
So, amid all of my packing and what not, I have misplaced my journal. And I really wanted to write tonight, so you all get to share in the joy of my thoughts now. I know I've already posted two blogs about leaving Florida already, but I haven't left yet...so...there's still more to say.
Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm excited beyond all reason, but I'm also feeling a little weird. I've really been looking forward to this program getting over, because it hasn't been all that I hoped for. However, I'm also sad at the same time, which is not something that anyone has heard from me yet. At work everyone has asked, "You're going home, are you excited or sad?" They were always responded to with an enthusiastic, "Yes! I'm so excited! I can't wait!" Which is the honest truth.
But it is the end of an era, or the end of a chapter in my life, which is always a bittersweet time. It keeps reminding me of the end of my freshman year at Snow College (and I know, I talk about that a lot, but once I get married, the milestone of going off to college won't be so big anymore, I'm sure haha). I remember being so so so excited to go home and live with my family again and see all of my old high school friends, and I also remember talking to my roommate Angie, who had become my best friend. She said, "How can you be excited, I don't want this to end!" And while I could agree with her that life was awesome then, I felt like I was wasting away without my family, and all I could think about was finally getting back home. Looking back on that time, I know that within a month, I was wishing I was back at Snow again with all of my friends who I had grown very attached to. I still loved being with my family, it's just that I didn't realize how good I had it until I left.
So it is with being here. I mean, there are definitely more downsides to being here than just not seeing my family, as opposed to at Snow, where I think that was really the only downside. But as I think about leaving, I can't help but think about how weird it's going to be. My roommates, Natalie and Kylie, have been constant presences in my life for the past six months, and oh my goodness am I so very grateful for them. I don't know if I've ever laughed so much in my life as when I've been with them, and we've seen and done so much together since we've been here. I feel very blessed when I think that Heavenly Father placed me in this apartment to meet them. They mean more to me than I think I could ever tell them or put into words. I've been trying to focus on the getting to see my family part and not so much on the leaving those two part.
Then, there's my ward too, and the missionaries. I have never really worked with missionaries before, but Elder Mortensen and Elder Hanson have been a huge influence in my life. At the beginning of my program, when I thought the worst had happened, there they were, reminding me that Heavenly Father had prepared a way for me to come here and had specific reasons for doing so. They reminded me that instead of dwelling on what I didn't have here, I should instead focus on sharing the Gospel with those around me. While I don't think I was a very good or effective missionary, I was still grateful for their influence and their lessons, and the Spirit they brought to my apartment. I don't think they know what an impact they had on me, they were just trying to do their job. :)
I think about Heather and Katelyn and how glad I am that they were here too, and what a comfort they were to me, and a reminder of home. We didn't really have to say good bye, since they'll be around in Utah when I get back.
There was Skylar, Work Joe, Church Joe, Taylor the boy, Stephanie, Jamila, Shelly, Michael, Andrew, Sam the Gator Man, Brad, Toffer, Joey, Taylor the girl, Jessica, Evelyn, Justin P, Andres, Gary, Damien, Shannel, Danielle (yes, I do mean Danielle the coordinator), Desiree, Carlos, Martha, Jose, Jordan, Sybil, Daniel, Shelby, Amy, Sister Allen, Sister Staley, and whoever else I may have forgotten. I'm so glad to have met all these people, and whether it was their jokes, their smiles, their hugs, the numerous rides, willingness to talk to me on a slow day at work, or even just their friendship, they all helped me in some way. Some helped me to feel welcome at church and made the transition from a practically all-Mormon community, to a very small percentage of Mormons community much easier. Some helped pass the time at work, and made working worthwhile. Some came with me to the parks and helped me to really savor the experience of living in Disney World I will forever remember them there.
It's weird to think that I may never see some of these people again. I hope I do, though, even if it's just once. I better go to sleep now so I can last all day for my LAST DAY OF WORK tomorrow. *cue the epic music.
Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm excited beyond all reason, but I'm also feeling a little weird. I've really been looking forward to this program getting over, because it hasn't been all that I hoped for. However, I'm also sad at the same time, which is not something that anyone has heard from me yet. At work everyone has asked, "You're going home, are you excited or sad?" They were always responded to with an enthusiastic, "Yes! I'm so excited! I can't wait!" Which is the honest truth.
But it is the end of an era, or the end of a chapter in my life, which is always a bittersweet time. It keeps reminding me of the end of my freshman year at Snow College (and I know, I talk about that a lot, but once I get married, the milestone of going off to college won't be so big anymore, I'm sure haha). I remember being so so so excited to go home and live with my family again and see all of my old high school friends, and I also remember talking to my roommate Angie, who had become my best friend. She said, "How can you be excited, I don't want this to end!" And while I could agree with her that life was awesome then, I felt like I was wasting away without my family, and all I could think about was finally getting back home. Looking back on that time, I know that within a month, I was wishing I was back at Snow again with all of my friends who I had grown very attached to. I still loved being with my family, it's just that I didn't realize how good I had it until I left.
So it is with being here. I mean, there are definitely more downsides to being here than just not seeing my family, as opposed to at Snow, where I think that was really the only downside. But as I think about leaving, I can't help but think about how weird it's going to be. My roommates, Natalie and Kylie, have been constant presences in my life for the past six months, and oh my goodness am I so very grateful for them. I don't know if I've ever laughed so much in my life as when I've been with them, and we've seen and done so much together since we've been here. I feel very blessed when I think that Heavenly Father placed me in this apartment to meet them. They mean more to me than I think I could ever tell them or put into words. I've been trying to focus on the getting to see my family part and not so much on the leaving those two part.
Then, there's my ward too, and the missionaries. I have never really worked with missionaries before, but Elder Mortensen and Elder Hanson have been a huge influence in my life. At the beginning of my program, when I thought the worst had happened, there they were, reminding me that Heavenly Father had prepared a way for me to come here and had specific reasons for doing so. They reminded me that instead of dwelling on what I didn't have here, I should instead focus on sharing the Gospel with those around me. While I don't think I was a very good or effective missionary, I was still grateful for their influence and their lessons, and the Spirit they brought to my apartment. I don't think they know what an impact they had on me, they were just trying to do their job. :)
I think about Heather and Katelyn and how glad I am that they were here too, and what a comfort they were to me, and a reminder of home. We didn't really have to say good bye, since they'll be around in Utah when I get back.
There was Skylar, Work Joe, Church Joe, Taylor the boy, Stephanie, Jamila, Shelly, Michael, Andrew, Sam the Gator Man, Brad, Toffer, Joey, Taylor the girl, Jessica, Evelyn, Justin P, Andres, Gary, Damien, Shannel, Danielle (yes, I do mean Danielle the coordinator), Desiree, Carlos, Martha, Jose, Jordan, Sybil, Daniel, Shelby, Amy, Sister Allen, Sister Staley, and whoever else I may have forgotten. I'm so glad to have met all these people, and whether it was their jokes, their smiles, their hugs, the numerous rides, willingness to talk to me on a slow day at work, or even just their friendship, they all helped me in some way. Some helped me to feel welcome at church and made the transition from a practically all-Mormon community, to a very small percentage of Mormons community much easier. Some helped pass the time at work, and made working worthwhile. Some came with me to the parks and helped me to really savor the experience of living in Disney World I will forever remember them there.
It's weird to think that I may never see some of these people again. I hope I do, though, even if it's just once. I better go to sleep now so I can last all day for my LAST DAY OF WORK tomorrow. *cue the epic music.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Good Things Are Coming My Way
So, I am leaving one week from today, and I am thrilled. I can't wait to get back and see my family and get back to school and everything. But I made up a list of a lot of the awesome things I got to see and do while I've been here. It's sort of a backwards bucket list, but even if I had made an actual bucket list, I don't think I would have thought of half of these things.
Went to the first-ever One More Disney Day Leap Day celebration at the Magic Kingdom
Got paid to watch fireworks and the Electrical Parade
Got paid to play with a puppet in Frontierland
Worked in Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Typhoon Lagoon, Blizzard Beach, and the All-Star Resorts
Saw a Braves/Yankees Spring Training game
Became friends with people from all over the country and all over the world
Swam with sharks
Swam in the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean
Held an alligator
Went to Harry Potter World (!)
Hand-painted part of an old-fashioned animation cel
Saw an alligator in the wild
Battled a cockroach in an epic duel to the death. I won. Make that two epic duels.
Watched the perimeter fireworks at Magic Kingdom on the 4th of July
Went with the sister missionaries when they taught a lesson
Went inside the Orlando, Florida temple
Auditioned both singing and dancing for Disney casting (didn't make it, but auditioned nonetheless)
Had my first Steak and Shake
Went to Star Wars Weekends
Was a model in a Disney photoshoot
Saw Wishes from a balcony in Disney's Contemporary Hotel, and from the beach at the Polynesian
See, I would have never done any of this if I had stayed all this time in Provo. It's been a hard six months, and I really really can't wait to get home, but I couldn't be more glad that I came, and met the people I met and did the things I did.
I came out here to experience new things, and that is exactly what I did. And I'm ready to go back and take on my life again, and take all of my disappointments and joys from this program with me. I feel as if I can look forward with more hope than ever, because even when things don't turn out the way you want or expect, life is still wonderful.
That's it, just one week to go!
Went to the first-ever One More Disney Day Leap Day celebration at the Magic Kingdom
Got paid to watch fireworks and the Electrical Parade
Got paid to play with a puppet in Frontierland
Worked in Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Typhoon Lagoon, Blizzard Beach, and the All-Star Resorts
Saw a Braves/Yankees Spring Training game
Became friends with people from all over the country and all over the world
Swam with sharks
Swam in the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean
Held an alligator
Went to Harry Potter World (!)
Hand-painted part of an old-fashioned animation cel
Saw an alligator in the wild
Battled a cockroach in an epic duel to the death. I won. Make that two epic duels.
Watched the perimeter fireworks at Magic Kingdom on the 4th of July
Went with the sister missionaries when they taught a lesson
Went inside the Orlando, Florida temple
Auditioned both singing and dancing for Disney casting (didn't make it, but auditioned nonetheless)
Had my first Steak and Shake
Went to Star Wars Weekends
Was a model in a Disney photoshoot
Saw Wishes from a balcony in Disney's Contemporary Hotel, and from the beach at the Polynesian
See, I would have never done any of this if I had stayed all this time in Provo. It's been a hard six months, and I really really can't wait to get home, but I couldn't be more glad that I came, and met the people I met and did the things I did.
That's it, just one week to go!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
The Real Magic
We've been talking about what we're most excited to return to when we finally go home. Families, clean kitchens, no cockroaches, better weather, and a normal schedule are among some of the main things we look forward to. Six months is a long time to live in Vista Way. Yes, that is literally my apartment complex.
Don't get me wrong, I am going to miss the heck out of my friends here--even though quite of few of them are moving back to Utah, and I'll actually get to see them. I've already cried to myself thinking of parting with my roommates, Kylie and Natalie, though. I would never have survived this program without them.
My heart hurts to think of home. I know that Aurora and Colorado Springs are far from Durango, but they are so much closer to home than I am. I just want everything to be okay in Colorado again. My heart goes out to both the victims and survivors of the massacre, and also to those who are still dealing with all the fires and the aftermath of that this past summer.
Wherever I go, I will always call Colorado home. Even though I've lived in Utah pretty much since I graduated from high school, whenever someone here asks me where I'm from, I still tell them I'm from Colorado. The mountains, the trees, the streams, and all those wonderful people that I love are still there. Those days of building pirate ships, exploring, campouts, Mom's homemade pizza, riding around in Landon's Jeep, sleeping on the trampoline and watching the countless stars, building sets for plays, riding my horse, watching the trees turn red and gold just before Halloween, and having family scriptures while the cool summer night breeze poured in through the open windows are all part of my foundation, and who I am.
My life in Utah has also been wonderful, albeit a little lonely. But that's just a side effect of being an independent person. I can't wait to return, even though part of me dreads it a little to be honest. It's been kind of nice, actually, here in Florida, the dating scene for members of the church leaves a lot to be desired. I mean, I love my ward (or congregation), but there aren't many people to date. Which I think is mostly because the great majority of Disney College Program Participants (we call ourselves CP's), who are members of the church, are girls. But a break from the Provo scene was exactly what I wanted. I'd just been getting so tired of perfectly eligible guys never asking me or any other girls out. Seriously. If you are a returned missionary in Provo, and you are reading this, and you think I'm attractive, ask me out. Yeah, you. I'm calling you out right now. Ask me when I get back. You never know what might happen. And life is too short to be a weenie.
Aside from the dating scene, however, I am SO READY to come back. All I can think about is choir and getting back into school, and having a job that I enjoy, and being near my family and living with my sister! Up until last fall semester, I had been getting very dissatisfied with my life, and I complained a lot, wishing that I could actually do something more with my life, thinking that nothing I was doing was of any great value. So I had this grand idea that I would leave one way or the other come January, and the Disney College Program seemed like the most sensible option. Then suddenly life was going so well right before I left, and I almost didn't want to go. I know now that I made the right decision for so many reasons, and I'm grateful for the opportunity Heavenly Father gave me to grow. It was no coincidence that I chose to leave when I did, no coincidence who I met or where I worked. I may not know all the reasons still, but I know that there were many purposes for me being here, and some I may never fully understand, and some I feel I'm just beginning to grasp. But I have to go back to where my heart is calling. I see things in a different color now, having been here, working for Disney and meeting the people I've met.
I think the main lesson of the Disney College Program for me is realizing that what you've had all along is what was the real magic.
My heart hurts to think of home. I know that Aurora and Colorado Springs are far from Durango, but they are so much closer to home than I am. I just want everything to be okay in Colorado again. My heart goes out to both the victims and survivors of the massacre, and also to those who are still dealing with all the fires and the aftermath of that this past summer.
Wherever I go, I will always call Colorado home. Even though I've lived in Utah pretty much since I graduated from high school, whenever someone here asks me where I'm from, I still tell them I'm from Colorado. The mountains, the trees, the streams, and all those wonderful people that I love are still there. Those days of building pirate ships, exploring, campouts, Mom's homemade pizza, riding around in Landon's Jeep, sleeping on the trampoline and watching the countless stars, building sets for plays, riding my horse, watching the trees turn red and gold just before Halloween, and having family scriptures while the cool summer night breeze poured in through the open windows are all part of my foundation, and who I am.
My life in Utah has also been wonderful, albeit a little lonely. But that's just a side effect of being an independent person. I can't wait to return, even though part of me dreads it a little to be honest. It's been kind of nice, actually, here in Florida, the dating scene for members of the church leaves a lot to be desired. I mean, I love my ward (or congregation), but there aren't many people to date. Which I think is mostly because the great majority of Disney College Program Participants (we call ourselves CP's), who are members of the church, are girls. But a break from the Provo scene was exactly what I wanted. I'd just been getting so tired of perfectly eligible guys never asking me or any other girls out. Seriously. If you are a returned missionary in Provo, and you are reading this, and you think I'm attractive, ask me out. Yeah, you. I'm calling you out right now. Ask me when I get back. You never know what might happen. And life is too short to be a weenie.
Aside from the dating scene, however, I am SO READY to come back. All I can think about is choir and getting back into school, and having a job that I enjoy, and being near my family and living with my sister! Up until last fall semester, I had been getting very dissatisfied with my life, and I complained a lot, wishing that I could actually do something more with my life, thinking that nothing I was doing was of any great value. So I had this grand idea that I would leave one way or the other come January, and the Disney College Program seemed like the most sensible option. Then suddenly life was going so well right before I left, and I almost didn't want to go. I know now that I made the right decision for so many reasons, and I'm grateful for the opportunity Heavenly Father gave me to grow. It was no coincidence that I chose to leave when I did, no coincidence who I met or where I worked. I may not know all the reasons still, but I know that there were many purposes for me being here, and some I may never fully understand, and some I feel I'm just beginning to grasp. But I have to go back to where my heart is calling. I see things in a different color now, having been here, working for Disney and meeting the people I've met.
I think the main lesson of the Disney College Program for me is realizing that what you've had all along is what was the real magic.
 |
| It'll be weird when these faces aren't omnipresent in my life anymore... |
Thursday, June 14, 2012
See, I'm All About Them Words
I had an incident on Sunday night. Now that it feels behind me, I think I have something to say about it.
I remember my parents teaching us when we were young to never swear or use vulgar language. When you're a kid, things are just really black and white, and your parents are there to point out which is which. So some words were bad, and that's all there was to it.
As I got older, some of the kids at school started swearing. Well, let's be honest, a lot of them swore when we were in elementary school too, but that was really more for effect. In middle school, kids started using it as part of their daily language. So a lot of us "Mormon kids" started asking those that we were friends with to not use those words around us, because we didn't want to have to hear it, since we were choosing not to use them. A lot of my friends respected that. Some of them didn't, and in fact would instead say as many bad words as they knew all in a row as fast as they could to see if they could get through their list before you could cover your ears. But you can only expect so much from fourteen-year-olds. And they weren't calling me those words, just saying them.
When I moved to Utah, it was like heaven. There were very few swear words to be found, and in general everyone's language was much cleaner and more respectful. Say what you want about Utah and "Utah Mormons" but most of them don't swear, or they don't swear very much.
Naturally, coming to Florida has been kind of a culture shock. On Sunday, someone, who was very upset at the time, called me just about every name that I know, all in different and varying combinations.
Now, I've always been the kind of person who's like "well I'm rubber, you're glue blah blah blah," and how silly is it to let someone's words hurt you?
But it did hurt. I cried all night and into the next day, so that when I showed up to work at 2 pm, I was still in tears and had to get sent home. No one has EVER treated me that way, not even when we were really immature in middle school. And yes, I had been stupid to provoke this person, but I certainly didn't deserve to get treated like that.
And as I heard some of those same names being used on a TV show, I thought...how sad. How sad that calling someone something like that could be funny.
Words really do mean a lot. Why was it so important to our Founding Fathers to have free speech? The words we speak and write can evoke emotions stronger and more quickly than anything else because they are so direct, and they communicate something specific. They can uplift and inspire, or create a beautiful image in our minds. They can also demean, belittle, and cause our minds to wander down paths that they shouldn't go. They can start wars and end wars, build relationships, or tear them apart. It's been said that "The pen is mightier than the sword."
That's why I'm going to do two things. One is that I am going to pursue my dream of becoming a writer, because words can influence nations, and if I can add a positive voice to the deluge of negativity that is flowing in the world today, then I'll have done something worthwhile with my life.
Number two, and anyone who reads this blog can hold me to this goal, I'm going to start speaking more positively. I don't swear, but I can be very negative at times, and I don't think speaking negative words really accomplish anything but brings everyone else down. I have never seen a negative word spoken cause any kind of progress. And I have been speaking negatively A LOT since I've been here in Florida. So if you hear me complaining, or my facebook status is negative, call me out. Say, hey, weren't you going to be more positive?
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Green is For the Trees -- Another forgotten blog post from April
Envy. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. For one, it's definitely one of my greatest weaknesses. I see other people's happiness and talents and I just get so mad that I didn't get those things. I always think, if only I could just have that one thing that they have, then I would be happy.
Last weekend was also General Conference, which of course, always sends me in frenzies of new thoughts on how to improve myself. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, first counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave a fantastic talk on not judging others. In my notes, I wrote NO ENVY, just like that in capital letters. And to top it all off, in my Ethics and Values class that I'm taking online, in an excerpt from "Virtuous Activity," Aristotle says, "But not every action nor every passion admits of a mean [or good]; for some have names that already imply badness, e.g., spite, shamelessness, envy..."
In a way, I usually feel I can justify my envy because I want good things. Like, why can't I be a good missionary like So-and-So, or why can't I be more charitable like What's-Her-Name? But envy is always wrong, even if I envy someone's ability to be charitable, because when I envy someone, not only do I feel inferior, but then I try to justify myself by thinking of all their bad qualities that should most assuredly cancel out whatever it is that I envy. Then, I feel bad about myself already, and then I'm also mentally tearing others down and purposefully not treating them as Christ would have me treat them.
Tonight, as the pangs of envy began to creep into my mind about some of my incredibly awesome friends and their outstanding propensity for missionary work, a thought came to me. That's just not my gift. I mean, it's certainly something I can try to develop, and that I should develop, but perhaps in a different way. I thought about different people in my life and their effect on me, and the experiences I've gone through. Everything has led me here to this point in my life, and I'm definitely not a perfect person, but I believe I can say with certainty that I am a better person than I was last April.
One of my all-time favorite quotes is by Elder Neal A. Maxwell, who was an apostle. He says, "The same God that placed that star in a precise orbit millenia before it appeared over Bethlehem in celebration of the birth of the Babe has given at least equal attention to each of us in precise human orbits, so that we may, if we will, illuminate the landscape of our individual lives, so that our light may not only lead others, but warm them as well."
So what I am very clumsily getting at here is the idea that we are all given unique talents and gifts, and we are all placed in specific "human orbits" that allow us not only to grow, but to help others grow as well. There is absolutely no reason to ever be envious. I'm the person that I am because my Heavenly Father knows me and my heart, and He gave me specific talents, desires, and weaknesses tailored to my own personal earthly experience and quest for eternal life. How incredibly wonderful is that?
Now, I'm not trying to excuse myself for not being a good missionary, but I realize that sometimes the way some people are able to do missionary work is not the same way that I am able to contribute. I am not nearly bold enough to walk up to someone and give them a pass-along card. But I do know that when I truly care about someone, that love runs deep and there is rooted in me a desire to help them know how much God loves them as well. I may never be bold enough to say anything to their face, but I've spent many nights on my knees, in tears, praying that they will know, and praying that I will know how to show them.
A blog is a good way for me to communicate how I really feel. I always think in my head like I'm writing something. A phrase comes to me over and over again, and I go back and edit and revise until the thought is exactly what I'm thinking. I'm always stumbling over words when I speak. And I think, at least I hope, that writing is one of those specific talents that Heavenly Father has given me.
So, here's to developing new talents, and having gratitude for the ones I already have.There's no reason to envy what someone else has when my cup runneth over. My life is beautiful and wonderful, and there are still so many promised blessings that I will receive when the time is right.
I know that God is there. I just know it, in my heart, and the feeling is overwhelming.
Last weekend was also General Conference, which of course, always sends me in frenzies of new thoughts on how to improve myself. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, first counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave a fantastic talk on not judging others. In my notes, I wrote NO ENVY, just like that in capital letters. And to top it all off, in my Ethics and Values class that I'm taking online, in an excerpt from "Virtuous Activity," Aristotle says, "But not every action nor every passion admits of a mean [or good]; for some have names that already imply badness, e.g., spite, shamelessness, envy..."
In a way, I usually feel I can justify my envy because I want good things. Like, why can't I be a good missionary like So-and-So, or why can't I be more charitable like What's-Her-Name? But envy is always wrong, even if I envy someone's ability to be charitable, because when I envy someone, not only do I feel inferior, but then I try to justify myself by thinking of all their bad qualities that should most assuredly cancel out whatever it is that I envy. Then, I feel bad about myself already, and then I'm also mentally tearing others down and purposefully not treating them as Christ would have me treat them.
Tonight, as the pangs of envy began to creep into my mind about some of my incredibly awesome friends and their outstanding propensity for missionary work, a thought came to me. That's just not my gift. I mean, it's certainly something I can try to develop, and that I should develop, but perhaps in a different way. I thought about different people in my life and their effect on me, and the experiences I've gone through. Everything has led me here to this point in my life, and I'm definitely not a perfect person, but I believe I can say with certainty that I am a better person than I was last April.
One of my all-time favorite quotes is by Elder Neal A. Maxwell, who was an apostle. He says, "The same God that placed that star in a precise orbit millenia before it appeared over Bethlehem in celebration of the birth of the Babe has given at least equal attention to each of us in precise human orbits, so that we may, if we will, illuminate the landscape of our individual lives, so that our light may not only lead others, but warm them as well."
So what I am very clumsily getting at here is the idea that we are all given unique talents and gifts, and we are all placed in specific "human orbits" that allow us not only to grow, but to help others grow as well. There is absolutely no reason to ever be envious. I'm the person that I am because my Heavenly Father knows me and my heart, and He gave me specific talents, desires, and weaknesses tailored to my own personal earthly experience and quest for eternal life. How incredibly wonderful is that?
Now, I'm not trying to excuse myself for not being a good missionary, but I realize that sometimes the way some people are able to do missionary work is not the same way that I am able to contribute. I am not nearly bold enough to walk up to someone and give them a pass-along card. But I do know that when I truly care about someone, that love runs deep and there is rooted in me a desire to help them know how much God loves them as well. I may never be bold enough to say anything to their face, but I've spent many nights on my knees, in tears, praying that they will know, and praying that I will know how to show them.
A blog is a good way for me to communicate how I really feel. I always think in my head like I'm writing something. A phrase comes to me over and over again, and I go back and edit and revise until the thought is exactly what I'm thinking. I'm always stumbling over words when I speak. And I think, at least I hope, that writing is one of those specific talents that Heavenly Father has given me.
So, here's to developing new talents, and having gratitude for the ones I already have.There's no reason to envy what someone else has when my cup runneth over. My life is beautiful and wonderful, and there are still so many promised blessings that I will receive when the time is right.
I know that God is there. I just know it, in my heart, and the feeling is overwhelming.
How are you? -- A blog post I forgot about from March :)
So, I have this friend, who may or may not read this blog, I don't know, but I remember in high school when people would ask him how he was doing, he would always say, "ok." And he'd say the reasoning why he didn't say "good" all the time is because if he was "good" all the time then it wouldn't really be good, it would just be normal. Thus, he was "ok." Well, I can tell you right now, people keep asking me how I'm doing out here in Florida, and I can tell you that things are FANTASTIC.
Ok, maybe that was a little overenthusiastic, but let's be real. I'm living in Disney World.
Here are a few reasons why my life is awesome right now:
1. Florida is beautiful. If you've ever been to Disneyland, you know that it is surrounded on all sides by city--a bunch of little businesses cropped up after it was built to take advantage of all the tourists. Well, Walt Disney hated that. He wished he had more room to build. So he decided to start the "Florida Project." He bought an immense amount of land out here in central Florida so that no one could box him in. Therefore, Disney World is surrounded by forest. It really is the most fantastic forest too, because you've got your regular conifer trees, but you've also got palm trees and those little plants that look tropical...I can't remember what they're called. And sometimes, when it's early in the morning it's wrapped in mist. It's so great. I always imagine myself with a machete, wearing khaki shorts and hiking boots, cutting my way through the forest, wrestling alligators and stuff just like Indiana Jones. Although, I am a chicken when it comes to alligators because when my friend and I were walking from Magic Kingdom to the church in the dark, I kept hearing rustling in the bushes nearby and nearly jumped out of my skin. He traded me spots so he could walk closer to the forest. What a gentleman!
2. I work out with the Atlanta Braves. Since I work in the sports complex, I get free admission to the gym they have there for the athletes. Now, I don't really care about sports. But baseball players, well, they're pretty easy on the eyes. I don't actually like to talk to anyone while I'm working out, because if I don't just stay inside my head, then I realize how much I look like an idiot and I won't work out. So I try to keep to myself. But these guys keep talking to me, and they all have huge muscles, and it's pretty awesome.
3. Free Admission to Disney World. Enough said.
4. My roommates are awesome. I'm always a little nervous about getting new roommates, but these ones are pretty dang sweet. We've already had so much fun together. I went with two of my roommates, Natalie and Kylie, to One More Disney Day, when Magic Kingdom was open from 6am on Wednesday until 6am on Thursday, over Leap Day. It was so much fun!
5. All the new friends I'm making. I'm really liking all the people I've met. I'm really excited to get to know a lot of these people over the next few months.
6....Ok, maybe that's all I got for now, but obviously I'm pretty excited about the other things. I'm still trying to work out the not-working-on-Sunday thing, and Food and Beverage still isn't my favorite, but I'm thinking all the good is outweighing the bad. And I'll figure out Sundays. It's gonna happen.
I just can't help but feel that I made the right choice coming here. A lot of people didn't find out I was coming here until right before I left, and that's because I still didn't feel absolutely certain that I should go, and I wondered if maybe I shouldn't go. But right before I left, I got a really good feeling about it. And I keep getting that feeling. I just feel really peaceful about this decision, like this is what I was supposed to do all along. And I'm happy. Even though it's not what I expected or even really what I wanted, I can't help but still be grateful for everything.
Ok, maybe that was a little overenthusiastic, but let's be real. I'm living in Disney World.
Here are a few reasons why my life is awesome right now:
1. Florida is beautiful. If you've ever been to Disneyland, you know that it is surrounded on all sides by city--a bunch of little businesses cropped up after it was built to take advantage of all the tourists. Well, Walt Disney hated that. He wished he had more room to build. So he decided to start the "Florida Project." He bought an immense amount of land out here in central Florida so that no one could box him in. Therefore, Disney World is surrounded by forest. It really is the most fantastic forest too, because you've got your regular conifer trees, but you've also got palm trees and those little plants that look tropical...I can't remember what they're called. And sometimes, when it's early in the morning it's wrapped in mist. It's so great. I always imagine myself with a machete, wearing khaki shorts and hiking boots, cutting my way through the forest, wrestling alligators and stuff just like Indiana Jones. Although, I am a chicken when it comes to alligators because when my friend and I were walking from Magic Kingdom to the church in the dark, I kept hearing rustling in the bushes nearby and nearly jumped out of my skin. He traded me spots so he could walk closer to the forest. What a gentleman!
2. I work out with the Atlanta Braves. Since I work in the sports complex, I get free admission to the gym they have there for the athletes. Now, I don't really care about sports. But baseball players, well, they're pretty easy on the eyes. I don't actually like to talk to anyone while I'm working out, because if I don't just stay inside my head, then I realize how much I look like an idiot and I won't work out. So I try to keep to myself. But these guys keep talking to me, and they all have huge muscles, and it's pretty awesome.
3. Free Admission to Disney World. Enough said.
4. My roommates are awesome. I'm always a little nervous about getting new roommates, but these ones are pretty dang sweet. We've already had so much fun together. I went with two of my roommates, Natalie and Kylie, to One More Disney Day, when Magic Kingdom was open from 6am on Wednesday until 6am on Thursday, over Leap Day. It was so much fun!
5. All the new friends I'm making. I'm really liking all the people I've met. I'm really excited to get to know a lot of these people over the next few months.
6....Ok, maybe that's all I got for now, but obviously I'm pretty excited about the other things. I'm still trying to work out the not-working-on-Sunday thing, and Food and Beverage still isn't my favorite, but I'm thinking all the good is outweighing the bad. And I'll figure out Sundays. It's gonna happen.
I just can't help but feel that I made the right choice coming here. A lot of people didn't find out I was coming here until right before I left, and that's because I still didn't feel absolutely certain that I should go, and I wondered if maybe I shouldn't go. But right before I left, I got a really good feeling about it. And I keep getting that feeling. I just feel really peaceful about this decision, like this is what I was supposed to do all along. And I'm happy. Even though it's not what I expected or even really what I wanted, I can't help but still be grateful for everything.
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